Adult book author Marigold Delvecchio has just won a big cash prize for latest book. The only hitch is that Marigold Delvecchio doesn’t exist. She’s the pen name of newly separated Annie Armitage, who lives with and looks after her ageing Aunt Bessie. She can’t accept the prize money because of how her stern “Auntie” would react if she knew the truth. To solve this dilemma, Annie’s wild sister Nikki offers to assume the author’s identity for a share of the cash prize as well as future appearances and book signings. Things go well for the sisters until Auntie’s appearance at a book signing where Nikki is posing as Marigold Delvecchio throws everyone for a loop. It’s a funny and heartwarming story of people’s pasts and futures, and the importance of family.
Cast: 3F
Here’s how it starts:
Characters – In order of Appearance
Annie Armitage About 30 years old
Aunt Bessie Wilkes Annie and Nikki’s aging aunt
Nikki Armitage Annie’s fraternal twin, 20 minutes younger
Setting
The setting is the living room of Aunt Bessie’s house. It is of older design with well worn furniture and appointments. There is a chair, a sofa with end tables and a coffee table. There a kitchen table with two chairs a laptop on it. There is a door that leads to the outside, a door to the kitchen and a hall opening that leads the bedrooms and bathroom. There is a fashion magazine on the coffee table.
Time
The present.
Act I
Scene I
The lights come up to ANNIE working at the table on her laptop. After a few seconds, BESSIE enters from the hall walking stiffly. She’s wearing a housecoat and slippers.
ANNIE: Good morning, Auntie.
BESSIE: Morning.
ANNIE: Did you sleep well?
BESSIE: Do I ever?
ANNIE: How’s your arthritis this morning?
BESSIE: Better.
ANNIE: Really?
BESSIE: Oh yes, my arthritis is doing much better. Me, not so much.
ANNIE: Have you taken your medication yet?
BESSIE: If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be doing these cartwheels.
BESSIE flops down on the couch with a huff.
BESSIE: What are you working on?
ANNIE: An article on work-flow strategies in the not-for-profit sector.
BESSIE: Sounds fascinating. If I can’t sleep tonight, maybe I’ll read it instead of taking a sleeping pill.
ANNIE: That wouldn’t work with this article. It’s quite interesting.
BESSIE: Then I’ll stick with the pills. Where do you find these assignments?
ANNIE: Here and there. They’re good experience.
BESSIE: Maybe with more experience, you can get a job writing something fun, like obituaries. (beat) Is that coffee I smell?
ANNIE: Now Auntie, you know what the doctor said about coffee.
BESSIE: Are we doing this again this morning?
ANNIE: Yes, because he said –
BESSIE: – I know what he said, and as I say every morning, I don’t care what that wet-behind-the-ears whipper snipper with a medical degree tells me not to do. Coffee is one of the few pleasures I still have in life and I intend to enjoy it.
ANNIE: I just worry about you.
BESSIE: I know you do, and I appreciate it, but I’ve been around a long time and I know what I can handle a whole lot better than Doctor Killjoy.
ANNIE: Gilroy.
BESSIE: Of all the things that’ll do me in, coffee is low on the list.
ANNIE: Fine, I’ll get you some.
BESSIE: Thank you.
ANNIE: I just don’t want you to think of me as an enabler.
BESSIE: That’s exactly what you are. You’re enabling me to enjoy my last few years in this house.
ANNIE: Don’t talk like that.
BESSIE: Why not? Let’s face it, I’m ancient. If I were a horse, I’d be on my way to the glue factory.
ANNIE: If you were a horse, you’d be crossing the finish line of the Kentucky derby.
BESSIE: Sure, Annie, dead last, emphasis on the dead. Now, you said yes to the coffee, right?
ANNIE: (gets up and closes her laptop) I did.
BESSIE: One cream, one sugar.
ANNIE: After almost a year, I know how you take it.
BESSIE: I was reminding myself.
ANNIE exits to the kitchen.
BESSIE: (Louder to the kitchen) It’s one of the things you need to do when you get older. You repeat things to commit them to memory, things like people’s names, birthdays, or if you’ve taken your meds. If you don’t, one day you forget how you like your coffee, the next, you forget to put on pants … or underwear.
ANNIE enters with the coffee.
BESSIE: The mind does cruel things when you age.
ANNIE: Don’t give me that. Your mind is as sharp as a tack.
BESSIE: And my body is the tire that just ran over it.
ANNIE sets the coffee down.
ANNIE: Here you go: one cream, one sugar.
BESSIE: Thank you. You’re a good kid to help me out like this.
ANNIE: Under the circumstances, it’s the least I can do.
BESSIE: (beat) Do you ever hear from him?
ANNIE: No.
BESSIE: Do you miss him?
ANNIE: No.
BESSIE: I still don’t understand what broke you two up.
ANNIE: We had different ideas about what marriage was supposed to be like.
BESSIE: It’s not that complicated. The woman is supposed to love, honour and obey. It’s right there in the vows.
ANNIE: We wrote our own vows. The word ‘obey’ wasn’t in there anywhere. That reference is antiquated.
BESSIE: Antiquated; just like me. It seems everything we thought was normal in my day isn’t acceptable anymore. You young people reject things that worked just fine when I was your age. And now look; the whole world has been turned on its head.
ANNIE: It’s a changing world, Auntie.
ANNIE returns to the table and opens her laptop.
BESSIE: And not for the better. I’m almost glad I won’t have to suffer with it much longer.
ANNIE: There you go again. The doctor said you’re healthy for a woman your age.
BESSIE: How would he know that? Most women don’t even get to be my age.
ANNIE: He said you have lots of good years left.
BESSIE: Why would I believe him? How old is he, 15?
ANNIE: He’s about my age.
BESSIE: That’s young in my books. Then again, everyone is young in my books. (beat) Hey, do you suppose he’s single?
ANNIE: Auntie …
BESSIE: Doctors make great husbands. They do well financially; they’re busy all the time so they aren’t underfoot. Plus, they know where everything is, if you get my meaning.
ANNIE: Ah, Jeez!
BESSIE: I’ll ask on my next visit.
ANNIE: Please don’t. I can find my own dates.
BESSIE: You haven’t been on a date since you moved in.
ANNIE: I’ll date when I’m ready. I’m fine with how things are at the moment. In the meantime, I’m on a deadline so I have a date with my laptop.
BESSIE: And I had a date with the bathroom. I’m eating so much fiber, I’m crapping wicker baskets.
ANNIE: Auntie!
BESSIE: At least I’m regular. It’s almost sad the things you’re grateful for later in life.
BESSIE grunts as gets up an picks up her coffee.
BESSIE: I swear this couch gets lower every week.
She starts for the hall.
ANNIE: You’re taking your coffee with you?
BESSIE: Oh yes; I’ll be in there for a while. I’ll take this, too. (She grabs the magazine.) I like to stay current with all the latest trends in haute couture. There I go stating the obvious. (indicating how she’s dressed)
BESSIE exits. ANNIE goes back to her laptop. A few seconds pass. The door opens a crack and NIKKI sticks her head in.
NIKKI: Psst!
ANNIE looks around for the source of the sound.
NIKKI: Hey Hemmingway! Over here.
ANNIE: Nikki?
NIKKI: Yeah. Is it home?
ANNIE: Is what home?
NIKKI: T Rex. Godzilla. Whatever it’s called.
ANNIE: You mean Aunt Bessie?
NIKKI: Whatever.
ANNIE: Yes, she’s home.
NIKKI: Damn it, I need to talk to you.
ANNIE: So come in … talk.
NIKKI: Not if she’s here. She’ll just yell at me again.
ANNIE: She doesn’t yell at you.
NIKKI: She yells at me all the time.
ANNIE: Come in. She’ll be in the bathroom for quite a while.
NIKKI enters. She fans herself.
NIKKI: Man, she sure keeps this place hot.
ANNIE: Her circulation isn’t the greatest.
NIKKI: I didn’t know she had a heart.
ANNIE: Nikki …
NIKKI: I don’t know how you’ve survived here all this time. How long has it been, a few months?
ANNIE: A year.
NIKKI: A year? Time flies, even when you’re not having fun. Are you sure she’ll be a while? I don’t want her to see me.
ANNIE: Why not?
NIKKI: Seriously? She hates my guts.
ANNIE: No she doesn’t.
NIKKI: She does so. She came right out and said it the other day. She said, “Nikolina – she always calls me that – she said, Nikolina, I hate your guts.”
ANNIE: That’s not she said. She said she wished you’d show some responsibility.
NIKKI: That’s not what I heard.
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