Lydia and Allie were joined at the hip back in their sorority days. Twenty plus years later, they hope to reminisce about the good old days for a week with their husbands at a resort on the beach. Lydia and her successful investor husband Charles, have the penthouse booked. Allie and Moe are of more modest means and booked a more affordable room. The women have great plans, despite the men not being particularly compatible. The plans fall apart quickly. Thanks to a burst pipe in the penthouse, the two couples are forced to share an aparthotel room on the tenth floor. After a rough start, things go downhill. It rains. Then the elevator breaks down. And the two men just plain don’t get along. It’s a disaster in waiting. As things proceed, truths are revealed. And friendships change.
Cast: 2F/2M
Characters – In order of Appearance: All characters are in their late 40’s.
Charles Windgate – A wealthy investment broker
Lydia Windgate – Wife of Charles, a novelist
Maurice (Moe) Smith – A government employee
Alice (Allie) Smith – Moe’s wife, a legal secretary
Setting
The setting is a two-bedroom suite in a modest resort hotel on a beach. The room is decent but not elaborate. The door leading in/out is UC. It has doors to two bedrooms and bathrooms (one SL, one SR). In the living area is a couch with end tables, two chairs, a low table in front. It has a small desk and chair with a phone on it.
Time
The present.
Act I
Scene I
The lights come up to an empty stage. Charles enters struggling to carry two suitcases. He is dressed for hot weather in high quality clothing. Lydia enters behind him, also in light clothes and wearing a big floppy hat. She’s carrying a purse.
Charles drops the suitcases on the floor with a huff. Lydia takes her hat off.
Charles: Gee, I’m sure glad I got to carry our luggage, so I don’t have to tip a porter.
Lydia: Oh, Charles.
Charles: Don’t Oh Charles me, Lydia. I can’t believe we’re stuck in this dump.
Lydia: It’s a three star hotel.
Charles: Which means it’s missing at least one star. It doesn’t even have porters.
Lydia: You heard them, they’re short staffed.
Charles: They’re short of a lot of things. What they have lots of is water. Thanks to that burst pipe, our penthouse room got flooded and now we’re stuck sharing a room with those two.
Lydia: It’s not a room, it’s an apartment with separate rooms.
Charles: Whatever it is, it’s lacking.
Lydia: Lacking what?
Charles: Amenities.
Lydia: Oh for –
Charles: Look around; this place has no amenities. It is amenity-free.
Lydia: (looking out over the audience) It has a decent view.
Charles: A view is not an amenity, Lydia. I’m talking about the room itself.
Lydia: It’s an apartment. And it’s fine.
Charles: It’s not fine. It’s old; it’s tired. The carpet looks like it was picked up at a flea market and this furniture is early Fred Flintstone. I don’t see a mini fridge. What kind of room doesn’t have a mini fridge? I’m telling you, this is the last time I leave vacation reservations to that moron.
Lydia: He’s not a moron, and this isn’t his fault.
Charles: He is, and it is his fault.
Lydia: He couldn’t have predicted a pipe would burst.
Charles: If he hadn’t booked us into this flop house, the pipe never would have broken in the first place.
Lydia: You know, Charles, sometimes in life, you have to compromise.
Charles: I hate compromising.
Lydia: I know you do, but they’ll be here any minute and I don’t want you grouching around all week.
Charles: I don’t grouch; I observe.
Lydia: Then don’t observe. We’re here to have fun.
Charles: You’ll need to remind me of that a lot this week. I just hope none of my clients see me living in squalor.
Lydia: It’s hardly squalor, and your clients won’t see you.
Charles: I hope not. Those clients have made us a lot of money, Lydia, money that keeps us living in the lap of luxury. If they see me in a hole like this, hanging out with the likes of (pause to say it oddly) Moe, they might change their minds about following my investment advice. I don’t know why I agreed to this vacation in the first place.
Lydia: Because Allie was my best friend in college. We were sorority sisters, and now I hardly ever see her.
Charles: That’s fine for you, but what’s in it for me?
Lydia: It will make me happy.
Charles: That’s all well and good, but it ignores the fact that I’ll have to risk being bored to death in the process.
Lydia: He’s not that bad.
Charles: He’s worse.
Lydia: You’ll manage.
Charles: So what happens if you and Allie decide to spend some time together and I’m left alone with (pause) Moe?
Lydia: How bad can it be? You haven’t seen him in six years.
Charles: Is that all it’s been?
Lydia: I’m sure you’ll find something in common to talk about.
Charles: Like what? You’re the creative one; you tell me.
Lydia: How about work? That’s what men talk about, right?
Charles: Nobody who works for the government has anything of interest to say to me.
Lydia: You don’t have to be interested; you just have to appear interested.
Charles: I’ll try, but I have some serious reservations about this whole situation.
Lydia: Well, we’re here now and they’ll be along at any minute, so I suggest you set those reservations aside and pretend you and Moe are friends.
Charles: I suppose I could try a little to pretend that he doesn’t bore the living crap out of me.
Lydia: How about you try harder than that?
Charles: How about you don’t leave the two of us alone? Then it won’t be a problem.
Lydia: Alright, alright; I’ll do what I can, but no promises.
Charles: Then I’ll try to behave, but no promises.
Lydia: Is it really too much to ask for you to get along for a few days?
Charles: Far too much, but I’ll do it for you anyway.
Lydia: You will?
Charles: Yes, for you, I will do my best to tolerate (pause) Moe.
Lydia: You know, it might help if you didn’t say his name that way.
Charlies: I tried that once; he still bored me.
Lydia: Maybe you could win him over by saying something nice about him when you first see him.
Charles: You mean lie.
Lydia: Charles –
Charles: Okay, okay. I’ll pay him a compliment first thing.
Lydia: Good. That’ll break the ice and make it easier to find something else nice to say.
Charles: Something else nice? I’m not that good a liar.
Lydia: Don’t be so sure about that. Now, let’s choose a room before they get here
Charles: Alright. You stay put. I’ll scout out the least lethal room.
Charles starts for one of the rooms.
Lydia: Less.
He stops.
Charles: Less!? Who’s Less?
Lydia: Less lethal.
Charles: You writing super hero books now?
Lydia: You said the least lethal room. There are only two rooms, so it’s the less lethal room. Least would require three or more rooms. It’s comparative rather than superlative.
Charles: Wonderful. I’m about to be bored to death AND I’m getting a grammar lesson from the English major turned novelist.
Charles points to one of the rooms.
Charles: I’ll check this one first. I should probably take a whip and a chair.
Charles exits to one of the rooms and returns in a few seconds.
Charles: Not a chance!
He heads to the other room.
Lydia: What’s wrong with it?
Charles: Apart from everything? This one has got to be better.
Charles exits into the other room and returns in a few seconds.
Lydia: Well?
Charles: They’re identical.
Lydia: Then it doesn’t matter which one we pick.
Charles: You’re right. We’ll be equally at risk in either room. Did I say that right?
Lydia: Don’t get testy with me. It was a long flight for both of us.
Charles: Yeah, but you didn’t have some old fart snoring in your ear the whole way.
Lydia: Don’t be so sure about that, either.
Charles: Alright, I’ve decided; we’re taking this one (points to one of the bedrooms)
Lydia: They’re identical. Why do you want that one?
Charles: Because this time, I’ve made a decision. I’m not going to let him ruin our vacation with bad decisions.
Lydia: You can be insufferable at times.
Charles: Well, it’s tough at the top. Now let’s unpack our shit so we can start having some damned fun.
Charles picks up the bags, one of which is heavy.
Charles: By the way, what’s in here, a transmission?
Lydia: It’s just clothing and makeup.
Charles: All this for just one week?
Lydia: I like to be prepared.
Charles: For what, a strike by Clinique? This weighs a ton.
Lydia: You wouldn’t want me not to look my best every day this week, would you?
Charles: Based on the weight of this thing, I’d give it serious consideration.
Charles starts for the door to the bedroom. Lydia picks up her purse and hat and follows.
Lydia: Carrying a heavy bag is good exercise.
Charles: Loads like this are for pack horses.
Lydia: Giddy up.
Charles: This is going to be the worst week ever.
They exit to the bedroom and close the door.
After a brief pause, Moe and Allie enter. Moe is carrying one suitcase, Allie another. They both put their suitcases down and look around.
Moe: What is this, the presidential suite? Look at this carpet.
Allie: It’s gorgeous. And this furniture is straight out of a showroom. We really lucked out.
Moe: I’ll say. I overheard the people checking in beside us. They got a room on the ground floor overlooking the dumpsters.
Allie: And look at us on the tenth floor with a wonderful view of the ocean.
Moe: Plus, with the discount they gave us for sharing the place, it’s like we won the lottery.
Allie: Our vacation is off to a good start.
Moe pulls out his phone and starts to text.
Moe: I’ll let the kids know we made it.
Allie: We just left this morning.
Moe: A lot can happen in eight hours, Allie. I don’t want them to worry
Allie: For heaven’s sake, Moe. Jane is 20; Leslie’s 18. They’re adults with lives of their own. They aren’t worried about us.
Moe: But can they handle Emmerson? Fourteen is a difficult age. I remember when I was that age. I was a wild one.
Allie: Never, in the history of mankind, has anyone named Maurice been described as a wild one.
Moe: Poke fun if you want, but you didn’t know me back then. I was a handful. (he hits send and puts his phone away) There.
Allie: Okay, are you ready to concentrate on us now? This is the first time we’ve been away without the kids in forever. We’ve earned this break.
Moe: We have, and I’m ready.
Allie: Okay, let the fun begin.
Moe: For you more than me..
Allie: What do you mean?
Moe: Charles doesn’t like me.
Allie: How can you say that? You haven’t even seen him in six years.
Moe: Is that all it’s been?
Allie: Charles likes you.
Moe: No, he doesn’t. He can’t get past what I do. He says that working for the government isn’t really working. He thinks we sit at our desks and drink coffee all day. To him, being in the private sector is working. He says that’s how people should really make a living, because that’s where the money is. To him, it’s all about money.
Allie: We all have our ways of looking at the world.
Moe: And his is narrow minded.
Allie: Look honey, I don’t expect you to become closde friends, but can you at least get along this week? Please? For me?
Moe: I guess.
Allie: Thank you for that overwhelming commitment.
Moe: I’ll do my best, I will; But we have so little in common.
Allie: You’re good with people; you can fix that. Start off by asking him about work. You know how he loves to talk about himself.
Moe: I sure do.
Allie: That’ll get the week off to a good start.
Moe: Okay, but remember, I’m doing this for you.
Allie: And I appreciate it. (She gives him a peck on the cheek) Now, let’s unpack. I need to find my hat for this hot sun.
Moe: I wonder where they are. The guy at the desk said they’d already checked in.
Allie looks at Charles and Lydia’s closed door.
Allie: They’re probably in there unpacking.
Moe picks up his luggage and starts for the room.
Moe: Then that would make this one ours.
Allie: Do you suppose it’s as nice in there as it is out here?
Allie picks up her luggage and starts for the room.
Moe: Could we be so lucky?
Allie: We’re about to find out. This is going to be the best week ever.
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