Married couple Eileen, a business owner, and Nora, a real estate agent with a troubled financial past, have taken a big step toward financial freedom. They’ve bought a fixer-upper, which they plan to flip to make a profit. Hello early retirement! But their carpenter bails on them. Then they learn that the bank has decided they want their loan repaid sooner than expected. They are in a seriously bad way. Eileen’s daughter, Brooke, announces she has a new boyfriend – Jerry – who just moved to town and happens to be a carpenter. He gets hired to do the work. The only hitch is that, unknown to any of them, Jerry is actually a lawyer in hiding from the mob so he can flip on them in a trial in a few weeks.
Cast: 3F/1M
Here’s how it starts:
Characters – In order of Appearance
Nora – a real estate agent, married to Eileen
Eileen – mid 50’s, owns an office supply store
Brooke – Eileen’s daughter by birth, 28 years old
Jerry – Brooke’s new boyfriend
Setting
The setting is the living room of a bungalow that is under renovation. One wall is bare gyprock. There is a chair and a loveseat which are covered, and a coffee table with rolled up plans on it. There are a couple of sawhorses and a few loose pieces of wood and some sawdust on the floor. There are several cans of paint with stir sticks on the floor.
There is a door that leads to the kitchen, one that leads to a hall with bedrooms and a front door with a mail slot.
Time
The present.
Act I
Scene I
Tuesday morning. Eileen enters through the front door and picks up a pile of flyers on the floor below the mail slot. She thumbs through them until she comes to one that gets her attention and unfolds it to read it.
Nora enters through the front door. She has some colour swatches and an opened envelope in her hand.
EILEEN: Oh hi. I thought you had a viewing at nine.
NORA: I cancelled. I just found out the house was sold last night. And not by me, I might add. What have you got there?
EILEEN: Some flyers. I guess they don’t know nobody lives here. Check this, it’s for Uncle Charlie’s Burgers and Dogs. Remember that chili cheese dog I had there? It was so hot, it burned me twice.
NORA: Oh, I remember that night clearly.
EILEEN: Want to go tonight?
NORA: Are you serious?
EILEEN: Why not?
NORA: Eileen, you were banned for life.
EILEEN: They wouldn’t remember me after all this time.
NORA: If two women celebrating their wedding anniversary wasn’t enough, your episode in their bathroom would certainly jog their memory.
EILEEN: But look. (at the flyer) They’re having a special; all-you-can-eat shrimp for ten bucks. What a bargain.
NORA: Let’s stick to the task at hand: renovate and flip this place. We can eat at restaurants after that. So is our carpenter here?
EILEEN: No, and I’ve been waiting for half an hour.
NORA: Maybe he’s picking up some materials, or he’s stuck in traffic.
EILEEN: Whatever the reason, he’s better be here soon. We’ve got too much riding on this.
NORA: I’m sorry I’m putting us through this.
EILEEN: We’ll survive.
NORA: I sure hope so. I’m losing sleep over it.
EILEEN: Not me. I have confidence in us.
NORA: Not everybody would be as understanding as you are.
EILEEN: Of course not. I’m a saint. Now, before I throw this (flyer) in the recycling bin, last chance for Uncle Charlie’s.
NORA: I’ll take a pass, thanks. The food there borders on toxic.
EILENN: It does not.
NORA: Oh yeah? Instead of doggie bags, they use hazardous waste containers.
EILEEN: Well, if you change your mind, it runs for ten days. What are those?
NORA: Colour tiles for the ensuite. I’m thinking chili.
EILEEN: Chili’s a colour?
NORA: According to Paint My World, it is. I think this will give the bathroom a sense of flow and movement.
EILEEN: Just like Uncle Charlie’s chili dog did.
NORA: Gross!
EILEEN: Hey, you knew what I was like when you married me.
NORA: We’re all allowed lapses in judgement.
EILEEN: Oh, so I’m a lapse in judgement now, am I?
NORA: Of the highest order, but that’s not important at the moment. What is important is that we sell this place after the renovations, and the right colour scheme is critical, even if it does sound like food.
EILEEN: Then paint the walls pizza if it helps. What’s in the envelope?
NORA: This? Just a note from the bank.
EILEEN: The bank that owns our house AND this one? What do they want?
NORA: It’s nothing.
EILEEN: Banks don’t send letters to say nothing. What do they want?
NORA: They just want the loan repaid a little sooner, that’s all.
EILEEN: How much sooner?
NORA: It doesn’t matter.
EILEEN: Yes it does. How much sooner?
NORA: We’ll have this place finished and sold long before the new deadline. It’s nothing to worry about.
EILEEN: How much sooner, Nora?
NORA: They want it paid in four weeks.
EILEEN: What?? What happened to three months?
NORA: I don’t know. It’s a bunch of banking gibberish about debt ratio or liquidity.
EILEEN: I own a business, I speak fluent banking gibberish. Here, let me see that.
NORA hands the letter to EILEEN who reads it quickly.
EILEEN: Well this is just lovely. Four weeks … the renovations alone will take three weeks. I knew this would spiral out of control. I just knew it. We try to solve one problem and we create another. Why did I ever let you talk me into this?
NORA: A few minutes ago you had confidence.
EILEEN: That was before this. (the letter)
NORA: It’s not a problem. I can sell this place as soon as it’s ready, so call that carpenter and find out where he is.
EILEEN: Fine, but I hate confrontations like this.
She pulls out her phone and dials.
NORA: What confrontation?
EILEEN: Tradesmen always overbook, so they go from spot to spot doing just enough work to keep us from firing them and finding someone else.
NORA: Just tell him that if he doesn’t finish on time, there will be a hefty financial penalty.
EILEEN: Good thinking; nothing like a threat to get cooperation. (beat) It’s going straight to voicemail.
NORA: Leave a message; we need him here pronto.
She listens for a few seconds, then looks at her phone.
EILEEN: Are you kidding me?
She shuts her phone off.
NORA: Why didn’t you leave a message?
EILEEN: He closed the business.
NORA: What?
EILEEN: The message said, “I’ve closed the business permanently. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.”
NORA: No!
EILEEN: What a jerk!
NORA: And we paid him what, ten per cent up front?
EILEEN: Yes, all of it borrowed from the bank that wants it back in four weeks.
NORA: Well this is a setback.
EILEEN: Gee, do you think, Captain Understatement?
NORA: It could have been worse.
EILEEN: How?
NORA: He might not have done anything.
EILEEN: He was here one day!
NORA: Better than none.
EILEEN: We paid him five thousand bucks. That works out to six hundred an hour. Nobody is worth six hundred dollars an hour.
NORA: We’ll just have to find somebody else.
EILEEN: We won’t find anyone. We’re sunk. I say we cut our losses and sell now.
NORA: What?!
EILEEN: At least we’d get some of it back.
NORA: We’re not giving up at the first sign of trouble.
EILEEN: This is an omen, Nora. Some higher power doesn’t want this flip to succeed.
NORA: We’re not giving up! This is the first step on our journey to financial freedom.
EILEEN: Our first step wasn’t supposed to be off a cliff. How do we repay the bank in four weeks?
NORA: I’ll figure something out. We’re not giving up.
EILEEN: Fine, if you insist we go through with this, I’ll do the work myself.
NORA: You??
EILEEN: You don’t have to say it like that. Have you forgotten Mark was quite the handyman? I used to help him all the time.
NORA: Holding the ladder for your ex-husband doesn’t count. This job requires a professional. Besides, even if you could do it, who’d run the store?
EILEEN: I could hire somebody.
NORA: Where will you find anybody capable of running an office supplies store in the next day or two? No, we have no choice. We’ll have to find a professional.
EILEEN: We won’t find anybody with the right qualifications under these conditions, not at a price that won’t put us under.
NORA: You’re staying at the store and that’s final. We need the financial security of your business. We’ll figure something out for this place.
There is a knock on the door.
EILEEN: Great, there’s the Grim Reaper now. (Through the door) You’re early. Come back in four weeks!
NORA answers the door. BROOKE enters.
NORA: Oh, hi Brooke.
EILEEN: What are you doing here?
BROOKE: I had a break at the spa, so I thought I’d drop by to see how things are coming along. Where’s your carpenter?
EILEEN: Bermuda, probably.
BROOKE: What?
NORA: We’ve had a minor setback.
EILEEN: And by minor, she means monumental.
BROOKE: What happened?
NORA: The guy we hired closed his business.
EILEEN: After accepting a down payment.
BROOKE: That’s unbelievable.
EILEEN: Oh, but it’s okay; he “apologized for the inconvenience”. To make matters worse, the bank is demanding payment earlier that we expected. It’s the perfect storm.
BROOKE: What are you going to do?
EILEEN: Well, I plan on biting my nails down to the knuckles. (to NORA) How about you?
NORA: We just found out so we’re still trying to figure it out.
BROOKE: You know, the timing of this is kind of funny.
EILEEN: Funny? Oh, sure, it’s hilarious. We’re four weeks from bankruptcy – I’m going to bust a gut laughing.
BROOKE: Okay, Mum, funny isn’t the right word. But the timing is almost eerie. Fact is, I also came here to make a little announcement.
NORA: What is it? Is everything okay?
BROOKE: Everything’s great. I came to tell you that I’ve been on a few dates with this guy I met and it’s going well.
NORA: That’s wonderful! Anybody we know?
BROOKE: No, he just moved here.
NORA: That’s terrific, Brooke. I know it’s been a while. I’m so happy for you. We both are, aren’t we Eileen?
EILEEN: Let’s not get carried away. Where did you meet this ne’er do well? And don’t say it was at a bar.
BROOKE: It was at a bar.
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