Since retirement, snowbirds Ed and Emily have spent their winters in Florida. For the first time this year, Emily has convinced Ed to go early and have Christmas down south. He’s not so keen on the aluminum Christmas tree or the heat. Neither is he keen to have Albert, their 39-year-old daughter Jenny’s boyfriend of two years, join them. Ed and Albert are polar opposites. Ed used to own a chain of hardware stores; Albert is CEO of a non-profit organization. Stubborn and old-fashioned, Ed refuses to accept the fact that they are a couple because they aren’t married. At the end of the first act, we learn Jenny is pregnant. Ed is even less enthusiastic about Albert. However, an emergency on Christmas Eve changes everything.
Cast: 2F/2M
Here’s how it starts:
CHARACTERS
Ed – retired husband to Emily
Emily – married to Ed
Jenny – daughter of Ed and Emily
Albert – Jenny’s live-in boyfriend
SETTING
The setting is the living room of the Florida condo that Ed and Emily are renting. It has a door leading to the hall, a door to the kitchen and a hall to the bedrooms and bathroom. There is a couch, chair, coffee table and small four-seat kitchen table. There is a bookcase and a phone, and a decorated aluminum Christmas tree in one corner.
ACT I
Scene I
When the lights come up, ED is alone on stage putting the last few decorations on the aluminum Christmas tree. He is dressed for warm weather.
SOUND of a toilet flushing. It’s much louder than one would expect. ED just shakes his head.
EMILY enters.
ED: I think the plumbing here is haunted.
EMILY: It’s just a little noisy. Hey, the tree is looking better.
ED: Better than what, a heart lung machine?
EMILY: The decorations make a big difference.
ED: Yeah, it’s gone from hideous to homely.
EMILY: You missed a spot.
ED: I didn’t miss it. I’ve left that area open in case we find an old hub cab to hang there.
EMILY: Ed, the tree is fine.
ED: It can’t be fine; it’s aluminum.
EMILY: I know it’s not what you’re used to, but we’re experiencing something new this year.
ED: Yeah, static electricity.
EMILY: Oh, stop.
ED: Look at me. It’s 80 degrees outside and I’m putting up Christmas decorations. This just isn’t right. It’s supposed to be cold and snowy. We should have a crackling fire going, and be drinking eggnog.
EMILY: But you hate winter.
ED: Hate is too strong a word. It’s more like dislike.
EMILY: Really, Ed? Dislike? How did you put it? “I’d rather have fire ants crawl up my shorts than spend another winter in the snow.”
ED: That’s the thing – it’s not winter.
EMILY: Here we go.
ED: Check the calendar; it’s not winter yet.
EMILY: Aren’t you splitting hairs?
ED: No. I’ve never minded the part of winter before Christmas. It’s the rest of winter I hate.
EMILY: Dislike.
ED: I’m just saying we should have waited until the new year to come here. Celebrating Christmas in Florida is … unnatural.
EMILY: Honey, people from Florida do this every year. There’s nothing unnatural about it.
ED: Oh? How many Christmas songs work in 80 degree weather? You’ve got “Let it Snow” and “Winter Wonderland” And the “White” in “White Christmas” is snow, not sand. Just look at this thing. (the Christmas tree). How can any self-respecting Christmas tree be made of aluminum? Recycled aluminum at that. I think I saw a Budweiser label on the stalk. I can’t decide if that’s an insult to trees or beer.
EMILY: If being here upsets you so much, you should have said something when I was making the arrangements.
ED: Yeah, right.
EMILY: What’s that supposed to mean?
ED: Oh, come on.
EMILY: What!?
ED: Do you really think I’d interfere with your plans?
EMILY: They’re “our” plans.
ED: No, they’re “your” plans. After 42 years, I know better than to get in your way when you’ve got a full head of steam. I’d be safer between a mother grizzly and her cubs.
EMILY: So I dragged you to Florida against your will, did I?
ED: No, you dragged me here early against my will. I should be decorating a real balsam fir that smells like Christmas, not this hairy hat stand that smells like a bachelor party. Look at this piece of junk. Where do I put the star of Bethlehem?
EMILY: You looking for suggestions?
Ed just gives her a look.
EMILY: Look, we’re here, so we’ll just have to make the best of it. I don’t want us to be arguing about this when Jenny shows up.
ED: I can’t believe you talked her into coming here, too.
EMILY: She thought it was a great idea.
ED: Was that before or after she realized she had to bring that underachiever she’s shacked up with?
EMILY: Ed!
ED: What!?
EMILY: Don’t say that.
ED: Why not?
EMILY: Because it’s not true. Albert is good for Jenny.
ED: So is cod liver oil.
EMILY: He’s kind, and loyal, and he’s always there for her when she needs him.
ED: And when he makes a mess, she smacks him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. I wonder if he fetches her slippers each morning.
EMILY: Say what you will, I think Albert is a saint.
ED: Yeah, a Saint Bernard.
EMILY: (beat) So this is going to be it, is it?
ED: What do you mean?
EMILY: You’re going to have a dog theme for all your little wise cracks about Albert?
ED: Hey, that’s a great idea.
EMILY: It’s a terrible idea.
ED: You thought of it.
EMILY: Don’t blame this on me.
ED: Blame … credit … such a fine line.
EMILY: No, Ed. I don’t want you doing it this time.
ED: Doing what?
EMILY: Fixating.
ED: What are you talking about?
EMILY: You know what I’m talking about.
ED: I do not fixate.
EMILY: Oh, please.
ED: I don’t.
EMILY: No? Remember the boy who used to deliver our paper?
ED: Who, that kid with braces? Metal Mouth Mike? Silver Smile Steve? Antenna face Andy?
EMILY: Oh no, you don’t fixate at all.
ED: It was harmless fun.
EMILY: Fun for you. It bothered him.
ED: It toughened him up.
EMILY: It made him cry.
ED: Kids cry at the drop of a hat.
EMILY: He was 18! He was saving for college. Now, I don’t want you giving Albert a hard time. I want you to make him feel at home.
ED: Fine, I’ll do my best. Each night before we go to bed, I’ll put newspapers on the floor.
EMILY: Honestly!
EMILY gets up.
ED: Hey, this is a rental. There’s a damage deposit at stake. I don’t want to take any chances that he’s not fully housebroken.
EMILY: I’ll smack you with a newspaper if you don’t behave. Now, they’ll be here soon; I need you to help me finish getting their room ready.
EMILY exits down the hall.
ED: I wonder if he sleeps at the foot of the bed or on top of the covers.
EMILY: (from offstage) I’m rolling up a newspaper right now.
ED exits where EMILY exited.
Several seconds pass. The front door opens and JENNY enters, followed by ALBERT, who is carrying three suitcases.
JENNY: Hello? Mum? Dad? (beat) I guess they’re out. I’m glad they left the door unlocked for us.
ALBERT puts the suitcases down. They’re obviously heavy.
ALBERT: Did you pack my weights? My arms stretched an inch from the parking lot.
ALBERT looks around.
ALBERT: Hey, this place is nice.
JENNY: It is, isn’t it? They’ve been spending the winter here for years, but this is their first Christmas here.
ALBERT: I don’t know if I could spend a whole winter down here.
JENNY: Oh, I could. Warm sunny days, walks on the beach…
ALBERT: If we were here any longer than a few days, we’d need our own place. I feel like we’re intruding.
JENNY: We’re not intruding; they invited us.
ALBERT: They invited you. I think your father would have been just as happy if you came alone.
JENNY: He’ll come around.
ALBERT: I don’t know, he’s had almost two years.
JENNY: Don’t mind him. He’s just old fashioned. He’ll get used to you. I wonder where he is.
ALBERT: Probably out shopping for bear traps.
JENNY sits down wiping her forehead. ALBERT sits beside her.
ALBERT: Are you okay?
JENNY: I’m still a little woozy from the trip.
ALBERT: I’ve half a mind to write that airline and tell them to be more careful with the food they serve.
JENNY: I’m not convinced it was something I ate.
ALBERT: What else could it be?
JENNY: Maybe a touch of the flu. I’ve been feeling a little off the last few days.
ALBERT: Well, you just sit and take it easy. I’ll go get the rest of the luggage.
JENNY: Thanks, honey. You’re sweet.
She goes to give him a kiss; he backs off.
JENNY: What?!
ALBERT: If it’s the flu, there’s no point in both of us having it.
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